Although Brené Brown does not mention it, the prisoner dilemma is a way of understanding her argument in Dare to Lead. In the prisoner dilemma (the most famous thought experiment of game theory), two culprits are arrested and interviewed separately. If neither confess they spend say 1 year in jail and then are released. If they implicate the other they are set free, and the other person gets 20 years. But the problem is that if they both implicate each other they both get 5 years. What’s the best thing to do? Well if you think you can get away with it, have little concern for others’ welfare, and think your accomplice is both kind and stupid, then it is to implicate them. But the problem is that if everyone behaves like that, everyone spends a lot of time in jail. The best thing is for both to be brave and trust the other and expose themselves to great vulnerability.
So it is with the world of work. Everyone at times suffers from insecurity. Imposter syndrome is very common. Imposter syndrome is ‘the persistent internalised fear of being exposed as a fraud’ and not deserving of the responsibilities or position one has. Beyond this we may have many anxieties or needs which we are reluctant to expose to public view out of feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Shame is the feeling that washes over us and makes us feel so flawed that we question whether we’re worthy of love, belonging and connection. Brené Brown says:
It has two tapes. Never good enough. Who do you think you are? Guilt is feeling I did something bad. Shame is feeling I am bad. Where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent. That’s what makes it dangerous.
Signs of shame are:
Perfectionism
Favouritism
Gossiping
Back-channeling
Comparison
Self worth tied to productivity
Harassment
Discrimination
Power over
Bullying
Blaming
Teasing
Cover-ups
Shame causes us to ‘armour up’ to protect our ego. If we show we are vulnerable and then someone exploits it, we lose and are emotionally damaged. But if everyone has to hide their anxiety and carry that burden, then everybody loses. In this situation everyone struggles with their own sense of inadequacy whilst their core needs may not be met as they are not articulated. The only long term successful choice is to be brave and vulnerable.
Brené Brown helps us understand the damage armouring up causes. She shows us ways to lead bravely which surface and lessen fear so that we can all be brave (which means acknowledging that we do indeed feel fear and shame, but this doesn’t have to rule over us) and have our needs met in a high trust, high performing environment, in which we can ‘fail’, reveal our struggles and express our needs but not be judged.
Brown tells us that to get to courage we must ‘rumble with vulnerability’ and ‘embrace the suck’. Rumbling means leaning into vulnerability and listening. She says that
Leaders must either invest a reasonable about of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behaviour.
Our ego is an inner hustler and drives pretending, performing, pleasing, and perfecting. The ego loves gold stars and craves acceptance and approval. It has no interest in wholeheartedness, just self-protection and admiration. Our ego will do almost anything to avoid or minimise the discomfort associated with feeling vulnerable.
Our biggest ego threat to our sense of self-worth is shame.
Our ego tries to armour us against the feeling of shame.
Brené Brown then provides a hugely useful T-chart of moving from armoured leadership that is ego-protecting, to daring leadership that embraces mutual vulnerability.
Leaders also make safe containers for their team to explore their boundaries, needs and what ‘permission slips’ they need to rumble with uncertainty. Non-judgemental empathy is a fundamental to vulnerability and daring leadership. We can build grounded confidence to support our daring leadership through rumbling, curiosity and practice: mindful curiosity about our reactions, becoming self aware and engaging in tough conversations.
Living our values and having integrity helps us to be brave.
Brave leadership for rumbling with uncertainty is helped by the 7 parts of the Braving Inventory:
Boundaries. You respect my boundaries and when you're not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no.
Reliability. You do what you say you’ll do.
Accountability. You own your mistakes, apologise and make amends.
Vault. You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share.
Integrity. You choose courage over comfort.
Non-judgement. I can ask for what I need and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgement.
Generosity. You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.
All the above can help us move to a position of ‘calm’. A mindful balcony view of our, needs, emotions, responses thinking and actions. We are mindful of stories we are making up (our ‘shitty first draft’), especially stories that “diminish our lovability, divinity and creativity” or that of others and seek to lead bravely without armour.